The tale of Elanor and the Huntsman (aka "tonight's bedtime adventure")

Tonight I tried to go to bed early.
It's a Friday night so normally this wouldn't be an issue however tomorrow morning I have to be in the city at 7 a.m. as I'm volunteering for a charity scavenger hunt.
Preparing for bed I check the bus timetables and dutifully set my alarms.
I get into bed to do a little reading before turning in and as I'm settling in I see movement out of the corner of my eye. Normally this wouldn't be unusual as my fan is on and the blinds are moving accordingly however something about this movement catches my eye. I reach for my glasses, thinking to myself "you better not be what I think you are". I look up and sure enough there above my window is a relatively small, by their standards, huntsman spider.
*Sigh*
Trekking to the kitchen I collect the can of Mortein and come back to my room, by which time of course the Huntsman has moved from it's original position and I have to then stealthily track it down.
I find it again further along my window, position myself and spray the can. It immediately drops out of sight.
Standing on my bed I put my mobile  phone torch on and start trying to shine it behind the curtains without disturbing anything to try and see where the spider has gone.
I'm moving my phone around to try and get light behind the curtains forgetting of course that my fan is still on. I reach my hand up, getting my hand hit by the fan which not only hurts but subsequently knocks my phone out of my hand on to my bedside table, knocking over the can of Mortein, which then hits a glass of water, which then spills off my table all over my floor and then lands on my iPad shattering my iPad screen.
Brilliant.
Then I'm left mopping up the water, trying not to get glass all over my bedroom floor, trying to figure out where my phone landed, where the spider is, and moving my now wet books and comics out onto the dining table to dry.
Sure enough, once this is mostly done I find both the dead spider and my phone behind my washing basket and after retrieving both and depositing the former outside to rest in peace I climb back into bed way too annoyed and stressed to go to sleep.
On the plus side it seems this happens every time we get a new flatmate so at least we're on track there.
Bring on the weekend.
RIP huntsman. (And iPad screen)

Them blues

Here's the trouble with mental health issues.
No one cares.
I mean, to quote what is still probably after all these years my favourite TV shows:
"My life happens to, on occasion, suck beyond the telling of it. Sometimes more than I can handle. And it's not just mine. Every single person down there is ignoring your pain because they're too busy with their own." - Buffy the Vampire Slayer

That's the problem I have with all the mental illness initiatives where they're just like, tell someone and it'll be better.
Truth is, it won't. Basically the premise there is that they are trying to avoid people committing suicide and leaving behind a bunch of people who were too busy with their own pain to notice someone elses and who then also have to feel guilty for not noticing.

So when you're in that hole yourself there's a part of your brain that points out that even if you ask for help and people care at the time, it won't really fix the underlying issues. It won't fix the reality of what is causing your darkened world view. Neither will the meds.

Plus the problem with having to ask for help is that when it has to be breaking point before people care, then they really don't.

That's the problem. There are days where I wish I could just fall apart and give in and it takes every fibre and ounce of strength just to get through it all. Just to get out of bed. Just to stand on the bus without screaming, or punching someone or bursting into tears and sobbing in a heap.
But I've never had the luxury of being able to fall apart. Yes, it's a luxury. Having people that will pick you back up and help you put yourself back together, that's a luxury. It's not one that everyone has.

I am also aware that this particular perception is directly linked to the illness. However that doesn't mean that it's not also correct.

What makes it worse is that I am aware that it'll pass, I'm aware that people, good people, people I know and care about  have it even harder than me. So then there's a whole guilt spiral that comes swinging around and I figure I should just suck it up and wait it out again.

I sometimes wonder if it's really a problem with my mind, or a problem with the world that my mind is just too tired to drown out sometimes.

And hey, maybe I'm wrong. Maybe other people do care about other people, maybe I'm actually just not a great person and the reason people don't care is that it's specifically difficult to care about me.

Then again, maybe it is my mind.

Decisions, perceptions, and failure

*written about 6 months ago*

It's been a year since I returned from Nashville.
In that time I've written dozens of new songs, done some great co-writes, landed a new day job, reclaimed my social life, and helped my parents retire to far north Queensland.
I've also had a handful of conversations about my time in Nashville.

Mostly people have just asked "how was it?" "Or what was that like?". This week though I had a conversation that struck a nerve and got me thinking (writing). I was jamming one night with one of my colleagues when he said "so I wouldn't ask this normally as a colleague but as fellow musos I have to ask, "what was it like in Nashville? I assume it didn't go too well considering you're back living here?"

This totally threw me because every time I'm asked about my Nashville experience my answer has been the same. It was amazing. I loved it. I felt like I made huge progress as a songwriter, got experiences under my belt I'd never have had otherwise, met amazing people, and finally managed to get my head around an actual career writing music. I don't regret it for a second and the most obvious answer to why I'm not still there is, well, I don't have a working visa and a girls gotta work.

That's the most obvious reason but really getting a visa is not such an impossible task if you put your mind to it.

The other huge reason I'm home and fairly settled is, well, love.

See I went all the way to the other side of the world and it felt like home as soon as I stepped off the plane. But every single person that I loved was back in Australia.

The thing about starting to get what you want is that it stops being quite as all consuming as it once was and you can usually get a bit more perspective.

I started thinking about the trade offs.
Was it worth being on the other side from almost everyone that I love? Was it worth missing seeing my friends be parents and watching their kids grow up?
For all intents and purposes these days I'm pretty much an only child (long story for another time) which made me ask, what happens as my parents get older? What happens if they get sick or injured and I'm almost 48hrs door to door from them. These were the trade offs.

It sounds cheesy but for as long as I can remember all I've wanted is to be safe and happy. For a long time growing up music was about the only thing that made me feel either.
Thankfully childhood ends eventually and I managed to quiet most of my demons. So I got to thinking, was music worth the trade off of almost everything else or could I actually find a middle ground, back here in Sydney where I could do both?

This is the thing that I've been working on since I've gotten back and I've been a bit quiet across the board so I can understand how it might seem to the outside world that I've given up, that I failed and now I've just moved on to something else entirely.

I realise that most people can't fathom how ridiculous that is, music is such a part of me that I couldn't give it up if I tried. But I did need a break, I did need to recharge and refocus and figure out a new path along that road.

It is interesting though how much deliberate decisions seem like failure if you're not looking closely enough. 

Maybe it's just perspective.

Waterfalls and roadtrips

Tennessee is a landlocked state, as many here in the US are. I'm not really used to that given that everywhere back home has access to the coast (even the ACT, seriously, look it up) but that means that instead of the beaches people here go to the rivers and particularly the waterfalls.

My amazing flatmate took us to see one a few weeks back. It was a great hike all the way down and there were falls to look at all the way. I'm told there are lots of falls near Nashville so I'll have to tick a few more off me thinks.

Colour Run Nashville

So a little over a week ago I helped out at the Nashville Colour Run, benefitting the Make A Wish Foundation here in Middle Tennessee. I was stationed on one of the colour stations which meant I got to cheer on the runners and throw colour on them. Or more accurately throw glittery silver dust on them.

ReCYCLE for Kids

Quick one because I've been very lazy with posts. I'm going to claim I've been busy and I have but that's still not really an excuse.

So last month I had a fantastic time helping out at Hands on Nashville. It was the final part of their Recycle for Kids program where old or unneeded bikes were donated and done up to be given to a deserving new home. This was the final give away where the kids could come and get their new bikes. They also got a helmet, bike lock, safety training and we had games and an obstacle course as well.

It was so much fun meeting people and watching the kids get their bikes. I got to help out on games and snacks so I got to give them prizes too which was awesome.

I only took a few pics but you can see more and read all about the program on the Hands on Nashville website.

Helmets ready to be fitted.

Daily round up - Sat May 31

So today I got up and went to a hot yoga class which nearly killed me. I am way too prone to heat stroke so I think I'll just have to stick to regular yoga and pilates.
Then tonight I went to watch the amazing Bec Milly play at the Pavilion coffee shop which is an awesome church run venue with a really eccentric vibe, great food which is all by donation, and a lovely crowd.
The night finished pretty early so Bec and I went in to midtown to check out the bars which I've not been to on a Saturday before. Only live music at one venue which was disappointing but the band we managed to catch was really cool.
Nice relaxing Saturday.

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