Decisions, perceptions, and failure

*written about 6 months ago*

It's been a year since I returned from Nashville.
In that time I've written dozens of new songs, done some great co-writes, landed a new day job, reclaimed my social life, and helped my parents retire to far north Queensland.
I've also had a handful of conversations about my time in Nashville.

Mostly people have just asked "how was it?" "Or what was that like?". This week though I had a conversation that struck a nerve and got me thinking (writing). I was jamming one night with one of my colleagues when he said "so I wouldn't ask this normally as a colleague but as fellow musos I have to ask, "what was it like in Nashville? I assume it didn't go too well considering you're back living here?"

This totally threw me because every time I'm asked about my Nashville experience my answer has been the same. It was amazing. I loved it. I felt like I made huge progress as a songwriter, got experiences under my belt I'd never have had otherwise, met amazing people, and finally managed to get my head around an actual career writing music. I don't regret it for a second and the most obvious answer to why I'm not still there is, well, I don't have a working visa and a girls gotta work.

That's the most obvious reason but really getting a visa is not such an impossible task if you put your mind to it.

The other huge reason I'm home and fairly settled is, well, love.

See I went all the way to the other side of the world and it felt like home as soon as I stepped off the plane. But every single person that I loved was back in Australia.

The thing about starting to get what you want is that it stops being quite as all consuming as it once was and you can usually get a bit more perspective.

I started thinking about the trade offs.
Was it worth being on the other side from almost everyone that I love? Was it worth missing seeing my friends be parents and watching their kids grow up?
For all intents and purposes these days I'm pretty much an only child (long story for another time) which made me ask, what happens as my parents get older? What happens if they get sick or injured and I'm almost 48hrs door to door from them. These were the trade offs.

It sounds cheesy but for as long as I can remember all I've wanted is to be safe and happy. For a long time growing up music was about the only thing that made me feel either.
Thankfully childhood ends eventually and I managed to quiet most of my demons. So I got to thinking, was music worth the trade off of almost everything else or could I actually find a middle ground, back here in Sydney where I could do both?

This is the thing that I've been working on since I've gotten back and I've been a bit quiet across the board so I can understand how it might seem to the outside world that I've given up, that I failed and now I've just moved on to something else entirely.

I realise that most people can't fathom how ridiculous that is, music is such a part of me that I couldn't give it up if I tried. But I did need a break, I did need to recharge and refocus and figure out a new path along that road.

It is interesting though how much deliberate decisions seem like failure if you're not looking closely enough. 

Maybe it's just perspective.