Here's the trouble with mental health issues.
No one cares.
I mean, to quote what is still probably after all these years my favourite TV shows:
"My life happens to, on occasion, suck beyond the telling of it. Sometimes more than I can handle. And it's not just mine. Every single person down there is ignoring your pain because they're too busy with their own." - Buffy the Vampire Slayer
That's the problem I have with all the mental illness initiatives where they're just like, tell someone and it'll be better.
Truth is, it won't. Basically the premise there is that they are trying to avoid people committing suicide and leaving behind a bunch of people who were too busy with their own pain to notice someone elses and who then also have to feel guilty for not noticing.
So when you're in that hole yourself there's a part of your brain that points out that even if you ask for help and people care at the time, it won't really fix the underlying issues. It won't fix the reality of what is causing your darkened world view. Neither will the meds.
Plus the problem with having to ask for help is that when it has to be breaking point before people care, then they really don't.
That's the problem. There are days where I wish I could just fall apart and give in and it takes every fibre and ounce of strength just to get through it all. Just to get out of bed. Just to stand on the bus without screaming, or punching someone or bursting into tears and sobbing in a heap.
But I've never had the luxury of being able to fall apart. Yes, it's a luxury. Having people that will pick you back up and help you put yourself back together, that's a luxury. It's not one that everyone has.
I am also aware that this particular perception is directly linked to the illness. However that doesn't mean that it's not also correct.
What makes it worse is that I am aware that it'll pass, I'm aware that people, good people, people I know and care about have it even harder than me. So then there's a whole guilt spiral that comes swinging around and I figure I should just suck it up and wait it out again.
I sometimes wonder if it's really a problem with my mind, or a problem with the world that my mind is just too tired to drown out sometimes.
And hey, maybe I'm wrong. Maybe other people do care about other people, maybe I'm actually just not a great person and the reason people don't care is that it's specifically difficult to care about me.
Then again, maybe it is my mind.
